Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
