the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
