Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
