Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
