So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
