very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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