Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Your penis caused this!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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