I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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