you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
