I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
