My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize