He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
