My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
