we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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