I looked at my own cervix.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Your penis caused this!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
