Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
