go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
