Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
