2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i permit you to call me
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
