It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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