nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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