I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
