I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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