peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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