why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
