And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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