Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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