Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
