He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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