After last night, I could never be a politician.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
