eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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