then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
