Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
