he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
