I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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