you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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