I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
