just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize