Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
