I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
You did what with his pubic hair?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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