im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
