He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
