if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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