she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
