On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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