she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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