i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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