I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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