Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
