the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
