shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
