If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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