OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
