Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
