I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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