Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
