I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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