How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
