It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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