Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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