Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
