Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
