I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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