she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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